God's Mysterious Ways


I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write lately. But I wasn't going to let today slip by without trying to get something down. Bennett would have been 3 today. It's hard to believe that it has been only 3 years since he was born. In some ways it feels like it has been a whole lifetime. I guess that is because the time he was here was intense. I was focused, really focused on Bennett, God, and our purpose here. I spent time each day looking for and finding the blessings in my life. I relied so greatly on God to support me for each and every move that I made.

Honestly, the last 9 months have been tougher than the first 9 months after Bennett died. God and Bennett showed me how to live without worrying, how to find the good in everything. I have been trying to assimilate into "normal" life and keep my blissful approach to life. But I have been challenged left and right. Some of the challenges I met head-on without too much difficulty. Other challenges have knocked me right down to my seat. And to be completely honest, I have been really tired and frustrated at times. There have been times when I have wondered how much more I can take before something changes.

Amazingly, around mother's day things began to change. Mother's Day itself was a greatly needed infusion to my soul. And Bennett's spirit was all around me. There was a little gift at every corner I turned that day. And they were the kind of gifts that only an angel could know I needed. A lot of people were worried about how the day would be for me, but the day was great. And Bennett was and is so much alive to me.

This Sunday, at our church, the confirmation class held a silent auction as a service project. They donated the money that they raised auctioning off their services as house cleaners, weeders, and baby sitters to the Blue Butterfly Fund. There was a luncheon after our second service. After I made my plate, I selected a table where a woman was sitting alone. Though I had seen this woman at church before, I never talked to her. A little girl and her grandmother sat across from me. The grandmother asked me what we wanted to do with the altar flowers we paid for in memory of Bennett's birthday. And the little girl asked what is the Blue Butterfly Fund. Her grandmother said to her, "Remember the little boy I told you about…" I showed her a picture of Bennett from one of the Blue Butterfly Fund brochures that sat on the table.

All of a sudden, I felted overwhelmed with emotion. I doubt these events seem that important the way that I have written them, but to me they were God's way of connecting me to the people and things that matter most. Through the little girl, the grandmother, it was brought to my attention that here were all these people enjoying fellowship together because of Bennett's life.

I had to leave the table because I was so overcome with God's Spirit. I rushed upstairs to the bathroom, and suddenly I heard church bells chime that I had never heard before and the sun moved out from behind a cloud and came in through the tiny window I was standing in front of. I could feel God all around me, and I knew He was saying, "I love you. I've never left you. Bennett's spirit is alive and shining a light on this world."

Then, I had to get up and speak in front of all those people. And I doubt I made much sense because I was so overcome with everything that happened. (Again, I know it doesn't sound like much, but you have to trust me God was all around me.) The one thing I mentioned was how much our church supported us when Bennett was sick and after he became an angel. And now every Sunday, I look at the blue butterflies in the stain glass windows of our church and feel like Bennett is sitting right there with our family. God's ways are timeless. Those windows were made over a hundred years ago, but they bring me so much joy every Sunday. I also mentioned that even though I never manage to plan the perfect event to honor Bennett's life on his birthday, God always does it right. The luncheon and silent auction was a great way to celebrate the life of the little blessed one and help other little warriors like him.

After I spoke, the woman who was originally sitting alone at our table told me that she knew she had to come to the silent auction because today was her husband's birthday. He died of cancer a year ago on May 18. I said, "I'm glad you told me that." God's ways are mysterious. God's ways are perfect.

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." -Colossians 2:2-3


For the Little Blessed One

The little blessed one came
Like a tiny little flower
Whose bloom lasts only days
Bringing beauty into this world
Showing us how to look for the Light
Reminding us to look for the tiny blessings right at our feet

The little blessed one came
And though we no longer see his bloom
His roots here are grounded firm
And he continues to shine his Light
We must open new eyes from our heart to see
The Love he continues to bring into our lives and into this world

-E.S. 5.18.2005

God, thank you for the gift of Bennett's life. Thank you for your mysterious ways. Give us the new eyes we need to witness your Spirit alive and at work in our world. Help us to find your Light in the darkest times. Continue to remind us that you are always near. We love you. Amen.


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