Choices by Elizabeth Sterling
An of the interesting thing that has happened with this pregnancy is that I have found that I am facing choices that I have made before. This made me reflect a little, grieve a little, and also feel God’s incredible love for me in a new way.
One of the choices that we made regarding the rainbow baby was the choice to have a home birth. I really wanted to have a home birth with Bennett, but I let my fear of the unknown control what I knew was best for me and my baby. So when I got pregnant this time, I knew that I would give the possibility of a homebirth more positive light. Last time, I had such a hard time finding a mid-wife that I felt comfortable with. This time, I found a wonderful mid-wife who has 22 years of experience and has delivered over 1400 babies at home. When I met Krystn for the first time, I was so impressed by her knowledge and her holistic approach I thought, “I wouldn’t want to have a baby without her there.” And in a few weeks, I will be able to share the dream that becomes reality when we have a beautiful homebirth experience.
Another choice that came up is whether I would return to work once the baby came. Again, this is a dilemma that I faced with Bennett, and again, I let my fear of the unknown control my choice. I really wanted to stay home with Bennett until he was 6-months old, but financially it seemed like a risky thing to do. So I went back to work heartbroken when Bennett was just a little over 3 months old. I remember coming home each workday and feeling so completely worn out and resentful that I had missed another day with my precious little guy. Every week, I had some legitimate illness that kept me home at least one day. Then just about 5 weeks into school, we learned that Bennett had a brain tumor. Well, you know the rest. I stayed home with Bennett the rest of his too short life. John and I came close to losing everything material, and we needed to in order to put things into proper perspective. Who cares about financial insecurity when your child’s life is in question? Well this time, there was no doubt. I knew I would stay home with the rainbow baby. Somehow it will all work out. God has given me courage and I have faith that we will be supported. We always have been.
Without question, each choice has brought up some interesting emotions. Facing fears of the unknown is challenging. For me it is all about letting go…letting go of a predictable outcome, letting go of the need to control, letting go of negativity, letting go of beliefs that God lacks anything. So another thing that comes up with letting go is grieving. One of the greatest challenges I faced as Bennett died was letting go of someone I loved so much. But in the end, that is what gave me the courage to face the next day without him. By giving up the illusion of control that I thought I had, I gained incredible PEACE. The popular expression “let go and let God” reveals the key to the PEACE that “surpasses understanding.”
And finally, the reflection upon these revisited choices has led me to believe a few things that I have heard before but didn’t really have the experience to confirm on such a deep level of understanding. For many of the choices we make there are no wrong choices. There are choices that cause us pain emotionally. There are choices that keep us from growing spiritually. There are choices that make us suffer, but even then we are learning something. We are here to learn how to LOVE and how to choose from LOVE. When we do not choose from LOVE (and trust and faith), we are choosing from fear. When we chose from fear, we will get another opportunity to face that choice again. It may not appear in exactly the same way the choice appeared the first time, but eventually we will get to make a choice that gives us an opportunity to choose from LOVE instead. That is God’s incredible GRACE.
And that is God’s incredible way of making us all winners eventually. We are all able to claim God’s incredible blessings of LOVE and abundance. We claim these sooner when we face our fears with the boldness and confidence of God’s armor of LOVE. My motto and my guide….Choose LOVE.
“Some will say life is full of uncertainties
LOVE prefers to say
Anything is possible!
Who will you believe?” –E.S.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” -2 Timothy 1:7
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” -1 John 4:18
Heavenly Father, thank you for your incredible grace. Thank you for helping us learn how to truly live as love as our guide as Jesus did. Even though we fail over and over, you graciously give us another shot at mastering this important lesson…to love. Amen.